Three kids went home sick from my daughter’s class yesterday. One threw up at school. I’m obsessively washing my hands, reminding the kids to wash theirs, and trying to remember not to eat scraps off their plate.
Still, this morning, my stomach felt off. I don’t know if I’m on the verge of something or if I’m just fearful of getting a stomach bug.
I’ve been thinking about fear and the trepidation with which I approach December every year, and wondering if some of that is just habit.
December pulls me hard between dark and light, joy and sorrow, birth and death. All year I hold these things together, but in December, the tension is strong.
Next week I will celebrate my older daughter’s birthday. A few days later, her little sister will blow out her own candles.
And on the 17th, we mark the day Henry died.
I still feel trepidation when this month rolls around. My body tenses as we move into December, wrapping tighter as we move closer to that day.I feel the pressure of birthdays and holidays on either side of Henry’s day. I feel that weight sinking in the center between them.
I have slowly reclaimed this month. I moved from having no tree to putting up a mini tree to telling my girls the stories of the ornaments as we hang them together on a big tree. I’ve slowly reintroduced traditions like baking cookies and making ornaments. I’ve added new traditions like our Christmas story advent calendar.
Along the way, I’ve found light again and joy. My girls have helped a lot with that, their enthusiasm and excitement lighting my way. I want to follow their light, bask in it’s glow.
I want to let go of the trepidation this month brings.The weight, the darkness, the sorrow may come—surely will—but I don’t want to give it extra time.
The past few Decembers have been about building—adding in traditions and celebrations. This year, I want to start to let go of anxiety and anticipation, so even more light can come in.
What can you let go of this December? What can you make room for?
Maybe you’ll let go of a tradition you never liked or an event you grumble about every year to make room for a new tradition that brings you peace or joy.
Maybe you’ll let go of getting “perfect” gift and enjoy spending time with loved ones instead.
Maybe you’ll cull your Christmas card list and write a note to a few friends.
Maybe you’ll throw out the to do list and sit by the fire and sip your eggnog.
Not sure? Try journaling about what you love most about the holidays.
Whatever you do, I hope you find more joy and peace and light in this season.
I hope this December you can let go of some the trepidation.
I think I will let go of the feeling that I am not doing “enough”. Baking never amounts to what I envisioned. I used to love writing Christmas cards, but that happens later and later every year. I like to sit and rest and write real personal notes. What I cherish is our Christmas Eve with friends- family is on the other side of the country. My hubby does the meat pies and it feels more like a shared effort than many other events, so I get to enjoy.
Sue, I love to write personal notes when I do Christmas cards, which happens less and less not later and later. This year, I’ve decided not even to think of them as Christmas cards, but to think about connecting with people. That may mean a note on a wintery/holidayish card or an email or a call, but I don’t have list. I do one or two here or there as the spirit moves me. It’s good to recognize the parts that we do love—like Christmas Eve for you. Enjoy!
Sara, my grandmother passed away on the 17th. For a long time December was hard, hard, hard. We are away from family most years, and that is hard. Because of that, I feel pressure to make it “perfect” for my boys to make up for not being around family in a time that I feel is all about family.
What I have let go of is the expectation of Currier and Ives, Normal Rockwell, Martha Stewart etc. It is so exhausting! I am ok with everyday triage. Pick one thing today. Only one. Make it simple. Make it joyous, that’s kinda the point of all this anyway.
Sending lots of light and love your way.
Hannelene, thank you for sharing this and for sending light and love my way.
I’ve had a lot of people suggest picking one to three must-do things for the season. I think I like your idea of one daily simple thing. We have a book advent calendar and every morning one of my girls pulls the book for the day. The rule is that if we have time we read it before school; if not we read it later, but yesterday we read in front of the fire before school even though we didn’t really have time. My girls snuggled in and I let myself slow down as I read. It was a simple, sweet moment. This evening instead of trying to get a little work done while they watch a Christmas movie, I’m going to watch with them. Little things.
I’m so glad to hear that the darkness is lifting more and more each year! Death is such a blow, but to have it come right during the holidays makes it even harder. Sending lots of warm thoughts and prayers your way!
xox
giedre