by Sara Barry | Sep 24, 2014 | fall, grief, writing
Last night we had a frost warning, so I picked all the ripe tomatoes and the red peppers and two small firm purple globes of eggplant.
I filled up a colander with lettuce and green beans. I happened upon the last cucumbers of the season and cut some anemic basil.
I filled a take out quart container with flowers: mini crimson dahlias and creamy pink sedum and burgundy and ivory mums. I tucked a spring of sage in there and a couple of red-violet cosmos.
After the kids were in bed and I had tired out the puppy, I put on a headlamp and ran out into the chill that made me believe frost might come. I pulled back the sheets I had spread over the pepper plants and picked half a dozen green ones for good measure.
This is what September should be. Crisp apples. A flurry of garden gleanings. Trying to figure out how to preserve it all.
Six years ago my tomatoes sat forgotten in my garden. Lettuce was abandoned. Did I even plant beans or peppers or broccoli or kale?
Instead of working in my kitchen of an ever earlier darkening evening, I was sitting in a hospital that always seemed bright. I was waiting.
At that point I wasn’t waiting to see if my son’s life would be preserved. No, I was simply waiting to be released, to get back to our regularly scheduled life.
The one with tomatoes sitting on the counter waiting to be turned into sauce.
The one where I was tired because my baby woke in the night to eat.
The one where portable oxygen tanks weren’t needed.
And yes, the one where I was scheduling appointments with PT and OT and speech, follow ups with the cardiologist, and check ups with the ENT and ophthalmologist, because I had accepted that those were parts of our new normal.
The hospital visit wasn’t part of the plan any more than the Down syndrome or the NICU stay had been. We had been settling in to our new, post-surgery normal. And then a cold. Okay, a cold is normal.
An ambulance. No.
A ventilator. No.
Another ambulance. NO.
The hospital.
After a week, we didn’t really know what was wrong, and there was no sign that we would head back to our life any time soon.
On these bright September days when summer and fall are struggling for dominance and the school bus’s twice a day arrival is part of the way we tell time, part of me walks those halls again. I’m wearing a temporary name badge and avoiding the people who look too familiar with the place. We’re just here for a quick visit after all. We’re going home to visit the farm and let our five-year-old neighbor hold Henry. We have tomatoes to pick and buses to wave to and baby group to go to. We have a life to live. Or so I think.
On these bright September days, even in the midst of all the winding down, I feel the hope of all that is to come.
Your Turn
Write with Me:
I wrote this last September. I started out looking at the pile of garden gleanings filling my table and counters. I didn’t know where I was going to go with it. I just followed and kept writing.
Today start by looking around you.
What do you see? Your dog, the toys the kids didn’t put away, a framed photograph from years ago, the butternut squash you were thinking of cooking . . .
Start with one thing you see. Describe it. React to it.
See where it leads you.
Share:
What prompted your writing today? Where did it take you? Tell us in the comments (even if it was a dead end).
by Sara Barry | Jul 23, 2014 | grief, parenting, summer, writing
I used Mary Oliver’s “The Summer Day,” as inspiration today. The last lines alone would make a good starting point:
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
But, my mind caught on some of her other words, and I wrote this:
Do I know how to pay attention any more? Yesterday, I stopped, hands poised over keyboard, falling into relax, when a whirring caught my eye. A humming bird hovered and darted among my neighbors red bee balm. I could have glanced up, kept writing, kept filling the page, checking things off my list. But I sat. I watched. It’s good to look up sometimes, or down at the ants trundling through the grass, carrying crumb nearly bigger than they are. One of the activities K added to our list of things to do when bored was watch birds up in the sky. I should sit and do this with her sometimes. I should slow down on our walks, really notice, but so often I am trying to get somewhere or get some exercise or I need to be back by a certain time. What I wanted most from this summer was the laziness, the time to fall down in the grass, to pay attention.
“Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?” We are in a season of life and growth. I went out this morning, barefoot, to check on the garden. My feet swept through the dewy grass, so wet I could have had a long drink. I need to pull the peas. For even in this time of growing, they are done. The cosmos are almost taller than me and starting to flower. The sunflowers tower over me. The zinnias are just starting to reveal their brilliant pinks and oranges. Ah, the chard I thought wasn’t going to grow is taking off. I need to pick turnips again. I flick a few tiny seedlike eggs off the bottom of a squash leaf (squash bugs, something that doesn’t die too soon). Zucchini to pick later perhaps. Is the lettuce bin full in the fridge or should I pick some more? It too will soon be done. I should plant more.
We plant seeds knowing plants will eventually die, some after just one season. Even things we expect to live long don’t always. A neighbor gave us a peach tree for a wedding gift. Three years later as we were floundering together through grief, struggling each day to communicate with each other, tongues and brains numbed with sadness, both lost in our own dark worlds, the tree began to fail. The leaves yellowed and began to fall in the summer. I was too tired for a while to figure out what was wrong with it. Every day, I looked at our wedding tree and told myself it was not symbolic. I finally found the hole by the base of the tree where something had burrowed in, turning the trunk to mush. We scraped it out and hoped. The tree died. Six years later, we are still here. It was not symbolic. It was a just tree, dying too soon. That little boy of mine did that too.
His death, so many people would tell you, was supposed to help get my priorities straight, help me figure out just what to do with my wild, precious life, but I’m stuck like most of us in the mundane most days—folding laundry, making lunch, paying bills, getting to swimming lessons on time. I try to stop and notice, to really pay attention to the vivid faces of the zinnias in my garden and the fresh green smell of the cilantro I accidentally pull with the weeds. I try to really focus on K’s earnest face as she tells me about the fairies who came to her fairy house. I brush a wisp of blond hair away from her eyes, feel the excitement trembling through her. The moss is soft and damp underneath me as we sit in the green shade. K squats low, showing me how to make the house more inviting, more private so fairies will like them. Part of me zooms in on her small fingers poking, pointing, but part of me is poised to do, not the important things of this life, but the weeding and the work that keeps telling me it needs to get done, calling louder than the fairies or the birds or the rest of this summer day.
Your Turn
Write with Me:
Read Oliver’s poem or choose another poem to inspire you. Then start writing. Maybe you’ll mirror the subject or the theme of the poem, or maybe a particular word or phrase will evoke a memor or spark an idea. Take 15 minutes or so and just keep writing see where the poem takes you.
Share It:
Share your writing in the comments or email me at sarabarrywrites@gmail.com. I’d love to hear what you came up with.
Want another quick writing activity? Download Summer Stories in Five Minutes.
Last night we had a frost warning, so I picked all the ripe tomatoes and the red peppers and two small firm purple globes of eggplant.
